Changing Yourself – Oy Vey! It Hurts!

Posted on September 6, 2009 by | 1 comment

Things hurt this morning. I decided that I really needed to do something good for myself and get out there and walk. And things hurt this morning. Many things. There’s a cramp in my left calf that keeps coming back and is tender in between cramps. My back is not happy. My left shoulder and arm turned against me weeks ago and they don’t seem interested in reversing the position that every wrong move of my arm and/or too much time at the computer shall equal pain. Yes, things hurt.

So, today I’ll get back out there and walk some more, on the theory that I can walk out this pain. Maybe I’ll just have more pain – who knows? All I know is that I’m not giving up. I want to feel better – and if feeling worse for a while is the way to get there, I guess I’ll just do it.

I know that in a few days I’ll see different (lower) numbers on the scale, the blood pressure meter and the blood sugar level – three sets of numbers that are getting to be common among us “upper midlife” folks. I’ll be able to measure these changes and rejoice in the results. I’ll be able to walk faster and farther. My clothes will fit better. I’ll be stronger.

I’m working through a lot of other changes that probably aren’t going to be as obvious from the outside. I’m working on letting go of a couple of tons of old garbage, misconceptions, negative thinking, and limiting beliefs. And that hurts too. Breaking up is hard to do – especially, it turns out, when you’re breaking up with a way of thinking and being that no longer serves you.

I’ve been reading and journaling and writing forgiveness letters. I’ve been rereading Martha Beck and Abraham-Hicks. Wayne Dyer and Deepak Choprah echo in my ears as I commute. My Buddhist practice supports and frames all of this. Affirmations and reminders fill my workspace. Really, all these sources say the same thing, each in a slightly different way. They all show different ways to do a few things that look oh so simple on paper:

  1. Live in the present
  2. Know what you want and ask for it
  3. Be receptive
  4. Be mindful
  5. Love yourself

What a nice, short list.  How easy to read it. Harder to achieve it and live it, though.

So, I struggle. And get support from my two excellent coaches and my wonderful friends. And struggle. And cry. And keep at it.

It hurts. Change isn’t easy, whether it’s your body or your spirit. I measure this change too, although the measures are more subtle. I measure it in moments when I know exactly who I am, in days when I am at peace, in acts of kindness – given and accepted. I measure it in what I no longer need. I measure it in days when I see clearly what thinking does and does not serve me.

This is from an Osho Zen Tarot card that gives me hope:

The pain is not to make you sad, remember. That’s where people go on missing …. This pain is just to make you more alert – because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wounds them. Otherwise they don’t become alert. … The arrow is hurting: it can be used.

The pain is not to make you miserable, the pain is to make you more aware! And when you are aware, misery disappears.

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Believing the Impossible

Posted on August 30, 2009 by | Leave a comment

“I can’t believe that!” said Alice.
“Can’t you? the Queen said in a pitying tone. “Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.”
Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

That’s from Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll.

Coaches are often asking our clients to believe “impossible” things? Their biggest dreams may not seem possible when they come to us, and – presto chango – they’re accomplished. Or it feels that way. Really, it’s a process of reframing and providing support. We create a climate where the so-called impossible becomes possible, then likely, then probable, then real.

First the dream, then the reality. First the vision, then the action plan. I think that, beyond support, we bring clarity, perspective, and alternate framings. We help clients become very clear about their dreams by fleshing out, then honing in on their dreams. We bring perspective by helping clients plan steps to reach their dream. We look with them through their lens, then invite them to look through other lenses.

And underneath all this work is hope and belief. Stanton Friedman, Nuclear Physicist, said it beautifully: Absence of evidence is not evidence for absence.

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Top Chef, Project Runway, What Not To Wear and Real Life

Posted on August 24, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Guilty as charged! I watch reality shows. It’s a guilty pleasure for many people, and I think that, really, there’s noting to feel guilty about, unless you’re using these shows to avoid a real life of your own.

So, what’s the up side of these shows? Top Chef , even through all the editing and drama, shows creativity and resilience and sometimes even some interesting food. All of the contestants were certainly accomplished chefs or they wouldn’t have made the cut. The show itself doesn’t necessarily test cooking skills. Instead, it tests creativity, flexibility, sometimes teamwork, and the ability to perform under pressure. I can’t say that Project Runway has made me want to buy anything from these designers, but, again, it’s fascinating to see what can be done in a tight time frame – and with some pretty unlikely materials, on occasion.

Will a new wardrobe change your life? Despite the impression that What Not to Wear gives sometimes, the answer remains no.  It’s the off-camera conversations that we sometimes see a glimpse of that are interesting about this show. It’s not really about wardrobe, although there are plenty of good ideas about what is and is not flattering for the less-than-perfectly-shaped, it’s about self-care and self-esteem.

Mindless escapism? Yes, certainly. And a few good life lessons as well.

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A Few Thoughts on Happiness

Posted on August 16, 2009 by | 1 comment

I recently attended the first World Congress on Positive Psychology, so, of course, happiness is on my mind. I check the dictionary. The first definition, “the quality or state of being happy”, seems pretty lame to me. The second is a bit better. “Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy,” gives me something to think about.

Are we only happy when fortune smiles on us? Studies show that lottery winners actually are slightly happy than the general population, but not by a great degree. Happiness turns out to be much more complex. It’s not a single thing and it has to do with our adaptation to what’s going on in our lives. As you might expect, happiness is also not meant to be a permanent state. Euphoria can get you locked up. As in all things, moderation is a wise choice.

Ed Diener, in a presentation at the Congress, defined happiness as subjective well-being. This explains miserable rich people and others finding great contentment in reduced circumstances. Diener broke happiness into two major areas: life satisfaction and positive engagement.

This made such good sense to me! Life satisfaction – income, basic needs being met, conveniences – is important, true, but not everything. Absence of these things is probably more important than their presence. This is why more money can give us greater life satisfaction, but doesn’t actually create positive feelings.

Positive feelings, it turns out, come from positive engagement. Public trust, learning, flow, and social support – all factors in positive engagement – activate a whole different part of our brain.

Diener suggested another major distinction. He differentiated wanting and liking. Wanting is centered in the thinking part of our brain while liking is centered in feeling – in the pleasure centers. So, for a materialist, happiness might be having what we want, while for a positive psychologist, it’s liking what you have.

How can you be happier? Learn to WANT what you will LIKE. When you want something, make a list of what it will bring into your life. Make an informed decision by comparing that list (choice components) to a list of what you like (enjoyment list) and look for overlap. If there’s little or none, maybe you don’t really want this.

Why might you want to be happy? Happy people live about five years longer, earn more, are more creative, and have more family and friends. If there’s a tiger in your path, it’s no time to be happy. Otherwise, as the song says, “Don’t worry – be happy!”

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Life-Work Cafe is Back!

Posted on August 7, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Need a great place to stop by and chat about your career?  Bring your own fresh-brewed and pull up a chair in the Life-Work Cafe every Monday night at 7:00 PM Eastern. This is a virtual Cafe for real-life discussions about work and about life. If you want some advice on finding your next job, moving up, changing careers – this is the place to be. If you’re thinking about moving out of the workforce or into an entrepreneurship – pull up a chair. If there’s something in your workplace or in your work life that you’d like to change – we’re here.

Join Dr. Susan R Meyer and occasional guest hosts for an hour of lively conversation and some clear next steps. Send me a note at dr.susan@life-workcoach for call-in details.

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Movie and a Coach

Posted on July 29, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Have you ever gone to a movie and left wanting to discuss it – not in terms of the acting or directing, but in terms of your own life? As a coach, I’m always seeing coachable moments on screen. I want to suggest alternatives to the characters. I want to have them consider other outcomes.

OK – maybe this is a coach thing, but I don’t think so. How many movies have influenced your life? How often have you quoted a character?

So, I’ve created a new concept – Movie and a Coach. It will debut on August 4 at 5:45. We’re starting with Woody Allen’s Whatever Works. A small group of people can sign up for an evening that includes watching a movie and sitting down over coffee (or whatever) afterwards for a 90 minute coaching conversation. It will be a great way to meet a few new people and to experience coaching. Participants can even coach the characters in the movie!

If you’re in New York City, here’s the link: Movie and a Coach. Ticket and beverage included.

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Babies and Kittens and Love

Posted on July 12, 2009 by | Leave a comment

This was a pretty exciting week. My adorable Godson was christened yesterday, surrounded by loving family and friends. He took this all very calmly. Actually, he slept through the entire event, unphased by even the cold water.

As was his due, he spent the remainder of the afternoon being admired. He was perfectly calm as he was passed around his party. He is (if I say so myself) adorable and a perfect gentleman. And amazingly tranquil. He takes it all in through those big baby eyes, but he keeps his opinion to himself. He doesn’t cause a minute’s trouble to anyone and quietly makes his needs known as they arise. He’s just a sweetheart.

It’s easy to love someone adorable and undemanding.

It’s not so easy to love the adorable and demanding.

My brother and sister-in-law recently decided to do something about a family of feral cats that  pass through their yard on a regular basis. They got the traps from a local rescue group and were prepared to take Mom and her brood to be altered before being returned to the wild. As most feral cats don’t transition well to family life, this is the recommended plan.

It just doesn’t always work out quite that way. Mama and a truly adorable calico kitten were captured successfully. But my brother didn’t like the pint-sized cage the kitten was in. So he proceeded to build more deluxe accommodations out of spare lumber and chicken wire  and was able to transfer kitty. Apparently, though, his carpentry skills are less than perfect, because kitty escaped.

My sister-in-law arrived as the pursuit of kitty began. She’s a determined and resourceful woman and after a few tries pinned kitty down and was about to lift her up when, equally resourceful, kitty clawed her way free. Well, did I mention that Jen is determined and resourceful? For attempt number two, she’s going to grab kitty by the nape of the neck and have my brother at the ready with a cat carrier (more secure than the cage).

Round 2 – it’s a draw. Jen grabs kitty, kitty turns whirlwind and gets two good thumb bites in but ends up in the carrier. Jen washes off the blood and goes off to the gym.

By the end of the evening, after a trip to a local doc-in-the-box and a massive shot of antibiotics, animal control enters the picture. “You have been bitten by a wild animal, ” they say. “You must keep the wild beast for ten days to see if it dies.” (They also say that if kitty is going to die this should happen in five days. Presumably, if this happens, treatment for rabies will be necessary.)

So kitty is going to reside in the climate-controlled garage for ten days. She can’t go in the house, because Ginger and Kato can’t be exposed to possible strange kitty diseases.

A few days later, I see a picture of Catie on Facebook. I call and find out that she not only has a name, but has a split-level cage, complete with hanging toys, free-range toys, food, water and litter. My brother is spending his spare time sitting with her and talking to her. By the end of the week, she’s allowing him to pet her and he’s got her purring.

I predict that my brother was wrong when he told me that two was the perfect number of cats.

It’s easy to love a new baby – especially one who is cute and cuddly and easy-going. And when you can hand him back to Mama if he’s in any way inconvenient. It’s not so easy to love a wild thing that doesn’t necessarily want your love.

I certainly am not suggesting that loving and nurturing a feral cat is better than loving and nurturing a sweet baby, but there’s something to be learned here. I’ll bet that Sweet Godson will have his bad days along the way. And we’ll love him through them. We’ll sit with him through temper storms and illnesses and all the good and not-so-good parts of normal development. Just like my brother sits with Catie and coaxes her into civilization. We remember to do this with litttle ones.

Who else needs a little unconditional love? Do you have friends and relatives who are very busy pushing you away? Maybe it’s time to hug them a bit or just sit next to them and coax them into civilization. We’ll all be better for it.

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How Is Your Day Going?

Posted on June 30, 2009 by | Leave a comment

funny pictures of cats with captions

Ambrose was having a bad day And he didn’t care who knew it.

Picture by: Taronga Zoo. Caption by: scarlettsmomcat via Our LOL Builder

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

How’s your day going? And what are you doing about it? Looks like Ambrose can get by with sulking, but perhaps this isn’t the most successful route for most of us.

Positive Psychology has been on my mind lately. How important is happiness? How important is a positive attitude? Can we choose to be happy?

Yes, we can chose happiness. We can reframe situations and select a more positive viewpoint. We can make choices based on what will make us happy. Ed Deiner, at a recent conference said that it is more important to like what we have than to get what we want. We seem to want things all the time. Sometimes, when we get them, they don’t seem to make us very happy. Deiner suggests making a list of overall factors that make us happy, then make choices based on that list.

Happy people have more friends, live longer, and are more productive. Don’t be an Ambrose.

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Are You Lonely Tonight?

Posted on March 29, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Single women in New York City are always busy. And they almost always seem to be in pairs. The younger ones are dating or meeting their friends for drink mostly unless they’re off to the gym or to run or bike or skate in Central Park. The older ones are meeting friends for dinner or movies or theater or are at a museum. They all shop, but that can be a solitary pursuit.

So, all this business gives the impression that New York women are both self-sufficient and socially fulfilled. Is this really true? If you eavesdrop a bit (a socially acceptable and extraordinarily satisfying perk of solo dining) you may hear a different story.

 

Two young women, overheard in a tony Pan-Asian place, were taking about the lack of friendships in their lives. Both were young enough to still be going back to the family home many weekends. They did this to spend time with their folks and just chill out a bit. Their high school friends? No longer interesting. Nothing in common any more. College friends? Seen only at yet another wedding. Both women concluded that if it weren’t for a very few close friends (who they never saw often enough) and work friends, they would have no one. Both women found this upsetting; neither had a good solution. Life, they felt, was just too busy to cultivate friends.

Fast forward about forty years to two other friends splitting an entree after a museum afternoon. They too were talking about a lack of friends. So many of their friends were homebound, caring for ailing spouses or parents. Some had moved away to warmer environments. Some were just too tired after work to go out again. Some were too financially strapped to manage as many nights out as they used to.

Is this a New York thing? Does it vary by neighborhood? Or is this what we’ve become? Articles abound on the aging of FaceBook. Tweeting has become the new conversation for many. Will our friendships become increasingly virtual?

There’s a sense of community on the express bus I often take into Manhattan. Some of the ladies are not only actively in conversation on their own bus, but on their phones to buddies on other buses. Some, early on the route, provide wake-up calls for others further down the run. These women dine together, go off to Atlantic City every so often, and share each other’s triumphs and sorrows.

The Transition Network started Peer Groups so that women over fifty could come together with their peers for monthly conversations about life transitions. These monthly meetings have become the lifeblood of the organization.

Maybe it’s time for us all to pay a little more attention to building community. Can we start speaking to our neighbors again? Volunteer someplace? Build new kinds of community? Don’t be lonely tonight!

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Tired of Complaining? Try Reframing!

Posted on March 15, 2009 by | Leave a comment

It seems that more and more people are spending more and more time complaining. And yes, some things are not going all that well. But some things are pretty terrific. This clip was posted on YouTube recently and serves as a great reminder of taking a balanced viewpoint: Everything’s Amazing – Nobody’s Happy. 

You’ll have to pop on over to YouTube to watch it – it can’t be embedded elsewhere – so I’ll ask my parting question in case you wander off into the wonderland of videos: What do you appreciate RIGHT NOW?

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