Author Archives: DrSusan

The Kindness of Strangers

Maybe Blanche DuBois had it right. Depending on the kindness of strangers isn’t such a bad thing. I am dealing with a temporary mobility-limiting issue and have been using a cane for the last month or so. This has given me an excellent opportunity to observe the reactions of people I encounter and has left me occasionally needing their help.

There are people who will push past me to get on the bus first and others who motion me to go ahead of them. There are people who expect me to open the door for them and others who not only hold the door but wait patiently until I get there. There are people who regale me with tales of their own hip/knee surgery or the successful surgery and recovery of their friends/parents/colleagues.

A few incidents really stand out. Last week, I got into a conversation with the driver of my express bus. By the time I got off, she had taken my address so she could send me a get well card and promised that she would pray for a successful operation and send me things to make me know someone was thinking about me and to make me laugh as I recover.

At a music festival last weekend, a man came up to me to tell me that I would be much more comfortable if my cane was adjusted slightly – and proceeded to make the adjustment. He was right, by the way.

So, I once again have evidence of the truth that everything that happens has an effect on everything else. These simple acts of kindness made me feel wonderful, and, judging by the smiles on their faces, made the other person feel pretty good too.

I’ll be looking for more opportunities to do small things that make a difference. What will you do?

Put Down That Phone!

I’m delighted to hear that Volkswagen employees will no longer be subjected to 24/7 messages. I spend countless hours trying to wean clients away from their communication devices. Their thumbs may be twitching from withdrawal, but eventually they’ll thank me for it.

I hope.

We all need a little down time. Time to reconnect with our friends and family. Time to savor a meal. Time to look at something beautiful. Time to meditate and reflect. Time to do nothing at all.

How do you arrange your day? Is there down time?

Try turning your phone off every so often. I learned this the hard way when, after having finally fallen asleep, I was dragged back into full alertness by a tweet about a missing Senior 3,000 miles away. I now turn off all sounds when I need some peaceful time.

Detach every so often. You’ll be glad you did.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

The third cycle of coaching with a big municipal agency is coming to a close slowly, as the May end turned into a flood of last-minute make-up appointments that will run through June.

A few minutes ago I said farewell to another client who, after a slightly slow start turned out to make more and more significant changes than any of the other participants. I will miss her. I’ll miss her bursts of insight and the calls where she coached herself so effectively that all I needed to do was offer the occasional word of encouragement.

I’ll miss the guy who started with off-the-charts blood pressure and cholesterol counts who , in his newly calm state is laughing at situations that used to send him into a fury.

I’ll miss the client I knew from a past career who is becoming a friend and another client who I’ve bonded so strongly with that I can’t imagine not staying connected to.

I’ll miss the ones who kept canceling their appointments. I’ll miss the ones who were always late to call. And the ones who could never think of something to talk about but wanted to keep trying.

Fifteen vibrant, interesting men and women will be leaving my weekly life by the end of June. After six months, how could they not have changed me? I’m a better coach for having conversations with each of them.

In September, there will be a new group, different yet the same. I’m imagining the wave of change that is moving through the organization now that over a hundred men and women go on to create their own coaching cultures. And I smile.

“Good” Customer Service Under Duress?

I bought a highly-rated chair from a company called Coaster. It’s a very nice-looking retro chair – reminds me of something that might have been in a public space in the 50’s. Two allen bolts were missing and I contacted Coaster, not realizing that the vendor was a company called AtHomeMart. Both the Parts department and the Customer Service department were unhelpful and unconcerned about the missing parts and said that they would be available in August. I emailed their customer service department, saying:

I received my chair, model 900335 and discovered that the two medium allen bolts were missing. The parts department informed me that these would not be available until some time in August. Customer service repeated the same thing. I need to sit in this chair post-surgery in July. This is unacceptable customer service.

… and, so far, only got the response below:

From lizyvetteg at Coaster:

This is an automated message confirming that we have received your inquiry.
http://www.coasterfurniture.com/

So, I called Amazon and Axel, who was lovely and sympathetic, asked me to please bear with him and send one more email. This one went through Amazon’s system, so my email and information were protected. They sent it to the supplier, rather than the manufacturer:

Here is a copy of the e-mail that you sent to AtHomeMart.

Order ID 002-6749098-4225869:
1 of Coaster 900335 Vinyl Accent Chair, Red [ASIN: B004T3CPD4]

————- Begin message ————-

I received this item on June 5th and discovered that the two medium-sized allen bolts required to secure the back in place were missing. I called the Parts Dept. and was told that these parts would not be available until mid-August. I called Customer Service and they affirmed this and indicated that they could take no further action. I also emailed customer service and received an automated response. I have received no additional response from the company. As I need to sit in this chair following July 3rd surgery, I find this response unacceptable.

My response from AtHomeMart, received within hours:

Susan,

I am not sure who you contacted previously, but this is our first correspondence from you. We are shipping out 2 medium size bolts+washer under tracking number xxxxx12345 with UPS. Thanks!

Best regards,
Henry Kung
AtHomeMart Customer Care

Now, it may be that AtHome Mart always maintains this level of customer service and simply was not aware of the issue with Coaster. I was impressed with the outcome and speed of response and will purchase through them again, as long as the supplier is NOT Coaster.

I am consistently impressed with the level of customer service provided by Amazon. They have spent hours on the phone with me, replaced items, and always maintained an attitude that suggests that you are doing THEM a huge favor by asking for help.

I was equally impressed with a recent interaction with drugstore.com over an incorrectly entered name in the delivery field on an order. Even though they couldn’t resolve this in the moment, the woman made several excellent suggestions and assured me that she will continue to track the delivery.

It seems to me, that with so many choices, no company with any sense would remain unresponsive to a customer. I hope that I’m just as responsive as Amazon with my clients.

Family Ties and Celebrations

I’ve just returned from a weekend in the Boston area that was filled with family. We had gathered for Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah – family from up and down the east coast and a contingent from Israel.

There were many wonderful moments of connecting, reconnecting and deepening connections. There were a series of joyous moments watching the Bat Mitzvah girl blossom into womanhood before our eyes as she described her charity project, explained the halftorah and shared the significant moments of her life and the lessons she will carry forward.

There was the fun of watching the two expectant mothers – sisters-in-law, love and spirit – sharing the moment, rejoicing over each others gifts and planning for the arrival of a boy and a girl who are scheduled to appear within a week of each other.

There was my own joy in deepening bonds with my cousins and discovering new members of the expanded family.

My favorite moment, though, was listening to my aunt reflect at the end of the weekend. As she sat in the first row of the temple, she looked around her at her children, grandchildren and extended family and realized that she had created all this. The mother of four, grandmother of five with six and seven on the way, in this moment she, for the first time, experienced herself as the matriarch of our family. She’s now the most senior member and has come into full realization of her accomplishments and pride in her extended family. She’s excited about being a part of the future of her grandchildren. Her glow matched the mothers-to-be.

So, even as I celebrated my cousins over the weekend, today I celebrate my aunt. I remember how all my girlfriends wanted to grow up to be just like her. I am awed by how she managed four children as a single parent. I am amazed at how she maintained an active career until just a few months ago.

And I celebrate my family and our collective and individual futures.

Down Time? Maybe it’s Up Time.

I’ve just finished reading Duanna Pang-Dokland’s Inspired and Prosperous. Her interviews with eleven coaches include some wonderful ideas for revitalizing your life, whether you’re a coach or not. One theme that stayed with me was the ongoing discussion of the ebb and flow of business.

Do you have down time? Is that what you call it? How do you view it? It strikes me that calling the lulls in my business “down time” is a bad beginning. Many people spoke about being resilient and keeping a positive outlook. Donna Karlin’s   response spoke to my heart. She doesn’t see it as down time. She sees lulls in client traffic as the perfect opportunity to write, to work on projects, to renew.

I loved this – a lull in traffic? It’s an up time! Shifting to the perspective of the gift of time for other pursuits epitomizes abundance thinking to me. I plan to look forward to those breaks in the frenetic pace of meetings and appointments to turn to my unfinished project pile. What a great opportunity to read more, to write more, to try that new recipe, clean out the closets, meet friends for lunch or a walk. I might even meditate. I might even finish knitting that sweater.

The possibilities are limitless.

Everyone Can Be a Coach?

Thomas Leonard, called by many the father of modern coaching, always said everyone can be a coach. I’m not altogether sold on that. What I do believe, though, is that everyone can and should use coaching skills. The kind of clear, open communication, deep listening, and support that exist within a coaching relationship can be learned and would enhance all our relationships.

The International Association of Coaching created nine Coaching Masteries™ that create a framework that describe excellence in coaching. They also describe a set of skills that could enhance the work of managers, health care professionals, teachers, parents, and, in fact, anyone who interacts with other people.

Here’s a quick look at the IAC Coaching Masteries™:

1. Establishing and maintaining a relationship of trust.

This is about creating a supportive relationship and a safe space for personal transformation. What would it be like if every teacher practiced this skill? How much more would our children learn?

2. Perceiving, affirming and expanding the client’s potential.

This one could change the world if we all tried it. What can you notice that’s special in everyone you encounter/ Do you let them know?

3. Engaged listening

Most managers have had training in Active Listening. And many forget to use the skills. Are you paying full attention to the conversations you’re in? Are you attuned to the subtleties? Body language? Intonation? There’s valuable information there.

4. Processing in the present.

How often do you drift in a conversation? How often are you focused on anything but the present moment? Staying in the present helps us avoid judgements. It stops the act of putting things off and the fantasy that all we need to do is wait. Processing in the present keeps coach and client, manager and staff, teacher and student focused on what is really going on.

5. Expressing

Sounds simple, right? This is about going beyond simple talking to being aware of all aspects of communication.

6. Clarifying

How can we communicate in ways that are clear, simple and direct? How can we help someone else set and maintain clear goals? Managers should have this as an integral part of their skill set. Health care workers could use this Mastery to work towards real health.

8. Inviting possibilities.

Are you curious? Do you wonder, “what if?” Do you explore not only all the available options but invent a few more?  this is expansion a its best.

9. Helping clients create and use supportive environments.

How can we all help each other develop and maintain support networks? How can teachers, managers, parents, friends encourage growth?

That’s a quick glimpse of a system that can work for all of us. How can you incorporate these into your life?

You Might as Well Laugh

It’s May on the calendar and it’s been winter outside my window forever. Pretty much winter in my office too – I’ve got three layers of clothing on and the sandals in my closet are mocking me. No one I know actually saw the epic full moon Saturday because the cloud cover was so dense.
I started my morning and ended my day with two spectacular coaching calls. both clients had incredible breakthroughs and I was dancing. I’m still smiling.
But what I want to talk about is the time between those two calls. When I spoke to my own coach, I had a long, long list of complaints. And I just let loose with them. The list was so long that it made me laugh – and that’s how the call ended – with both of us sharing a lovely, long laugh. Sometimes, when things seem really bad and you can’t see a way out, you might as well laugh. So we did.
It was a very full day. I had six client calls that followed the same pattern. The clients all work for the same organization and are suffering various degrees of stress and overload in the wake of several significant retirements and two waves of layoffs. One has a boss who is prone to shouting. Another has an ever-increasing workload. A third has a subordinate who has taken passive-aggressive behavior to new levels. We’ve been working through these and similar issues with varying degrees of success. Today, though, was pretty much about complaining.
I let everyone vent. Sometimes, that’s the best coaching – just listen and go along for the ride. And I encouraged it. Exaggerated it. Egged them on. Until they laughed. Six depressed people became six people who were able to find some humor in their situation.
Sometimes – often, really, we can work on ourselves or with our coaches or with our clients to craft brilliant action plans. Sometimes we can take some baby steps towards change. And sometimes, we just can’t. And when you can’t, you can at least shift the mood.
When the going gets tough, you might as well laugh.

Previously posted on the Expanding Your Comfort Zone blog.

How’s Your Vision?

I’m thinking about vision today because I’ve just rediscovered Leading People: the 8 proven principles for success in business.

Rosen’s eight principles: Vision, Trust, Participation, Learning, Diversity, Integrity and Community are a great basis for leadership excellence. As the workplace becomes increasingly complex, the economy remains uncertain, workloads increase and stress levels rise, these are important principles.

These are also important principles for coaches and as I revisit them I wonder how I can continue to incorporate them in my coaching work with executive managers and how I can interpret them through the lens of the nine *IAC Masteries®. That will be a challenge over the next few weeks – one that I will be sharing here and at Expanding Your Comfort Zone. So, here goes ….

Leadership – at work or in your own life – can be daunting at best. I don’t see how it’s possible at all without a clear vision. A favorite quote is

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re liable to end up somewhere else.

This seems true in all aspects of life, and especially in leadership. How can you move others forward – help them achieve their best – if you don’t have a clear picture of the end-point? How can you hope to achieve your personal goals if you don’t have a clear vision of what you want?

In one of the best strategic moves I’ve seen, a large non-profit took almost a year to work on their vision statement. Every department was asked to submit vision statements. A group worked with all the statements to create a single statement that reflected what was most important: (We are) a kaleidoscope: reframing relationships, embracing change, creating opportunities.

At an agency-wide kick-off, each staff member was given a kaleidoscope. Then the real work began.  Every unit went back and created their own personal version of the vision. These were posted alongside the Agency vision at every location. For these people, there was no guessing about the vision, the overall direction. One had only to look at the wall. Every day, planning could start with that vision. Every leader and every staff member could start their day asking, “How will I live our vision today?”

Almost every personal development source begins with creating a vision. It’s a constant theme in Mike Dooley’s work. In Manifesting Matisse, Dr. Michelle Nielsen suggests creating small vision boards that can be taped up all over the house or office so that you can always see your vision. This makes it very easy to think of what steps you might be taking in any moment to move i the right direction. (Don’t leave the ACTION out of the Law of AttrACTION!)

As coaches, that same question might inform our preparation for every client meeting. What’s my vision? How will that inform the way I work today? How will it help me help my clients achieve their vision? It’s just one of the many ways we can bring the Masteries® to life.

*Learn more about the Masteries® at the International Association of Coaching site.

Disappointment and Happiness


Yes, you hold your happiness in your own hands. I’m reading Chip Conley’s Emotional Equations: Simple Truths for Creating Happiness and Success and was struck by this: Disappointment = Expectations – Reality. He quotes Alexander Pope.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

or,

Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to remember that life does not always work out exactly as we might expect. Sometimes, altering our expectations can be a good thing. Conley suggests, as an alternative, altering our beliefs about reality. Lincoln, he reminds us, led a life full of disappointments and lowered expectations. He became pragmatic about outcomes. He continued to set lofty goals and moved on to the next if he did not achieve the original goal.

I think, this year, I’m going to continue to aim high, periodically evaluate my version of reality and, from time to time, adjust the target a bit.