Author Archives: DrSusan

Butterflies, Joy and Change

Posted on August 28, 2012 | Leave a comment

I’ve seen a few Monarchs floating through Brooklyn this week. If you’re lucky enough to live on the New Jersey shore, you’re likely to see many more flitting by around now. They’re beautiful and I always hold my breath for a second as I watch them.

I’m in the process of emerging from my own chrysalis right now, so I have a lot to learn from butterflies. And they’ve been following me around lately, just to remind me! The lesson of the butterfly, it turns out, is letting go of old behavior and moving on to the next phase.

Moving on is not easy – at least for me. I like to dig in and hold on. I remember reading that for every successful woman you could see the fingernail scratches on the furniture where she’d tried to hang on to the old, and I know that’s true for me. Change doesn’t come easy.

But then I look at how beautiful the butterfly is. Maybe change is worth it. Butterflies float on the breeze; they dance in the air. They don’t cling to the branches or hug the ground. Butterflies always look like they’re having a good time. Can you watch one without smiling? They bring joy. They are joy.

I’m almost ready for my butterfly moment. I’m ready to push out of the shelter of that chrysalis, where I’ve been growing and stretching and absorbing energy over many months. I’ve moved out of a toxic business relationship. I’ve returned to full mobility, thanks to the wonders of hip replacement. I’m ditching my old business model.

Right now, my wings aren’t quite dry and I’m a bit shaky, but I know that is changing. I can’t wait to see what’s next!

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Posted in action, change, Happiness, personal growth

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Woman of the Week: Phyllis Diller

Posted on August 23, 2012 | Leave a comment

It takes guts to get up on a stage. It takes persistence, intelligence, and a pretty thick skin to become a comedic icon. In her 1997 book, “Queens of Comedy,” Susan Horowitz called Phyllis Diller “a significant figure in American culture who rose to success through her wickedly self-mocking style.”

“The self-deprecation made her more endearing, more comfortable for people,” Horowitz said. “Everything she did was for the purpose of getting ahead.”

Diller’s move into comedy began out of necessity as much as anything else. Poor and unhappy, she would meet other poor and unhappy women at the Laundromat and regale them with accounts of her home life. Soon, she was being asked to give presentations at parties and P.T.A. meetings.

Her husband thought she should be paid to make people laugh. She initially lacked the confidence to do it. “The Magic of Believing” by Claude M. Bristol gave her the confidence to begin to write her own comedy routines, hired a drama coach to give her more stage presence, and take whatever paid or unpaid performing jobs she could get.

Her rise to fame and continued success were the product of a carefully-constructed persona; seemingly unattractive, mocking day-to-day life, Diller found a way to be non-threatening in an age when few women comics existed. Joan Rivers credits her as a mentor as she built her own career on some of the elements that made Diller such a success.

Why is Phyllis Diller the woman of the week? Strength; courage; grit; humor; hard work; brilliance.

Who will be the next woman of the week? It could be you. If you’re a successful woman who has changed direction and built a new career, I’d love to interview you! Let me know.

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Posted in personal growth, Woman of the Week

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Move On!

Posted on August 21, 2012 | Leave a comment

How often do you make a decision and then second-guess yourself? Some of us over think everything. We make a decision, we’re comfortable with it, we take action. Should be the end of the story, right? Not for everyone.

Sometimes, though, it’s easy to get caught up in the other choices – the road not taken. What if? What if? What if?

It’s time to chase those gremlins off. Here are some questions that might be more productive:

1.What would have stayed the same or gotten worse if I did not make the choice I did? How would I feel about that?

2. How would I feel if I continued along the same path? About myself? Abut other people? About my work?

3. What did I learn from this choice? About myself? My process? Others involved?

4. How will I use what I learned moving forward?

5. What have I gained?

These seem like a good start at letting go and moving on. I’ll be using them myself.

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It’s August – Come Back Later

Posted on August 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

August, in general, is hazy, hot and humid. In many European countries, almost everyone is on vacation. Sounds like a good idea to me!

I don’t think that I’m unusual in being eternally locked into the academic calendar. I start winding down in June, have some ambition in July, even as I begin to fill my calendar with festivals and free events, and just plain run out of steam in August. I’m caught somewhere between a frantic push to be sure I’ve had enough summer fun and an overwhelming desire to do absolutely nothing. Right now, doing nothing is winning.

In September, I’ll be rejuvenated. I’ll replace my office supplies and get all my projects lined up. I’ll be energized. I might even have a “first day of school” outfit to wear even if I’ll be wearing it in my home office.

But right now, it’s August and I’m appreciating the continued good performance of my air conditioner. There are watermelon slices and heirloom tomatoes to be eaten. Painted toenails to display. Street fairs. Popsicles. Trips to the beach. Outside cafes. Oh – and daydreaming. I plan to do a lot of daydreaming for the next couple of weeks.

August dreams, in my experience, often become September projects. So, I will write down or create voice memos to capture these dreams.

I plan to be very productive – right after Labor Day. For now, could you please pass the sunscreen and maybe pour another margarita?

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Free Fall and Progress Paralysis

Posted on August 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

How many times have you heard variations on the saying that when you reach the end of all you know you will develop wings and fly? Yeah, but there’s still that first step. And that can be a doozy! And positively paralyzing.

Sitting in the corner with a box of chocolates seems sooooo tempting! So many reality shows, so little time. This might be a good time to move up the scale a bit. Perhaps, the next step is something I call meaningless productivity. You might call it busy work.

Keep the chocolates. Don’t even turn off the television. Above all, don’t think. Sort, declutter, clean. The first sort is simply to get rid of junk. Life is easier when you are not surrounded by piles-o-stuff. As you open up living space, you are also opening up space to think.

Do you feel your muscles getting ready to move? Not quite yet? Maybe you need to wallow a little more. When you start noticing that you’re watching reruns of reality shows you saw last week, it’s time to step up your game.

Go slow! This is rehab. Go for a walk. Cook yourself a good meal. Allow your mind to wander through all the things you might possibly do next. You can still spend a lot of time on the couch, but maybe it’s time to trade up to PBS or political satire shows. You should still sort, but this round will be a work-related sort. Where are all of those projects you have started? Where are all of those idea files that you have been keeping for years? Find them now!

Sort your ideas and projects into three piles. The first pile is, “What was I thinking?” the second pile is,”Not so much.” The third pile has you starting to bounce in your chair just a bit. You actually think you might want to do something. You are beginning to see a future.

If you watch a cat in free fall, it seems paralyzed for the first few seconds. It does nothing. Then,it does a seemingly miraculous mid-stream correction. It lands beautifully on all four paws. You can do it too! You are ready to land with both feet planted firmly on the ground. You are ready to go on to the next phase of your life!

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Forgiven and Forgotten

Posted on August 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

I have come to the end of what has turned out to be an unproductive business relationship. It started out beautifully, as so many relationships do. We had dreams. We had high hopes. We thought that we had thought this through carefully.

So here’s what we didn’t have. We didn’t have a contract. We didn’t have a business plan. Most important though, we didn’t have clear communication. And we never worked hard enough at establishing this all-important tool.

But that’s a topic for another post. Today, I’m thinking about moving on. Unfortunately, as the partnership devolved, the friendship also diminished. I’m sure there’s much to be said on both sides. For me, though, forgetting is the most important task on my list.

The old truism is forgive and forget. I’m working on forgiven and forgotten. When thereis someone you don’t want in your life, why would you want them in your head? I’ve forgiven myself for errors in judgment. I’ve forgiven myself for holding expectations that might still have been unrealistic even if (I forgive myself) I had expressed them. I’ve forgiven my former partner for wrongs. Oth real and perceived.

Now, I want her to be forgotten. I want to remember and use the lessons I’ve learned, but I don’t want to ever think a out her again except perhaps a fond memory or two about our initial encounters, decades removed from this venture. I wish that the self–work around this was as simple as unfriending her on facebook. For the next month or so, I will pause and shift focus if she drifts into my thoughts. Thanks to my buddy coach, I’ve used. Isualizations to let go of resentment and will work through possible guilt, second-guessing and worrying possible mistakes like a terrier with a one.

Forgive and forget? Not so much. Forgive yourself and anyone else involved. Then do the harder work beyond forgiven to get to forgotten.

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Patience, Patience, Patience!

Posted on July 23, 2012 | 3 comments

I have reached that wonderful point in my recovery where I can begin to do things for myself. It is also a very dangerous point. I feel so good! I’m staying awake all day. I’m actually getting some work done. It’s a very heady experience.

So why is it dangerous? There are still precautions to be followed. And I feel so good that there is every danger of the forgetting them. There will be no bending too far. No walking too far. No sitting in the wrong kind of chair.

Now is the time for patience. In order to maintain the gains of the first three weeks, I’ll need to behave for the next three weeks. Patience!

Isn’t every change like this? It takes patience and persistence to move forward. It takes time. It’s worth it.

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Posted in change, personal growth

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Accepting Help

Posted on July 10, 2012 | 7 comments

I’ve always been fiercely independent, and don’t usually accept help from others. A truism in coaching is that we get clients who learn lessons we need to learn. After years of telling clients that they should accept help from other people, my recent hip replacement has given me the chance to explore my own difficulties with accepting help.

the first few days after the surgery, my hospital roommate and I were unable to do anything for ourselves. it felt strange. We both learned to be as grateful in receiving as our caregivers were in giving.

Coming home provided a new opportunity to explore receiving with grace as a series of friends has pitched in to help. It’s a new experience to not be able to bend over and grab things or to jump up to get something, and it could be frustrating if I let it. Instead, it has become a joyful acceptance.

I’m learning the grace of receiving. And it’s a blessing.

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Where’s the Exit?

Posted on July 2, 2012 | Leave a comment

In response to my last post, Weeding the Friendship Garden, Caroline Ceniza-Levine, asked how to get out of relationships that were past their expiration date. This is always a difficult question, and I’m not sure I have the perfect answer. Here are a few ideas:

1. Avoid initiating contact. Sometimes, that’s enough. Even though you may think the other person wants to continue the relationship in the same way, they may simply be stuck in a pattern and be glad for the break.

2. See this person only as part of a group. This reduction of one-on-one time cam begin to create some space.

3. Introduce this person to someone else you think would be a good match. It’s a little like recycling an old boyfriend who was great, just not great for you. Can you suggest a mutually beneficial match?

4. Be busy. Be less accessible. Screen calls and answer when you want to speak to this person or when you have tie to listen to them. Even then, set limits. Be brief.

5. Be honest. Tell this person that you feel your lives have gone in such different directions that it’s hard to be there for each other. Tell the other person what you’ve valued most about them and how you will carry that into the future. Spend time reconfiguring the relationship. Just because someone isn’t in your inner circle, it doesn’t mean they have to be out of your life.

I should also point out that just because someone isn’t on your C chart (Comforters, Cheerleaders, Critics, Confronters) doesn’t mean they aren’t in your life. The chart is to help you define your go-to support network, not your entire social circle.

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Weeding the Friendship Garden

Posted on June 27, 2012 | 13 comments

How often do you stop to assess your relationships? Think about what you want out of them? Think about what you’re giving? Think about how – or if – you’re asking for what you want and need?

I use a four-square model to capture relationships. The categories are comforters, cheerleaders, critics and confronters. I try to have at least two people in each category and no one in more than one role. That’s not to say that these roles define my friendships, merely that these are my go-to people in certain circumstances. Cheerleaders provide unconditional support. Comforters are judgement-free shoulders to cry on. Critics are logical and able to help you develop plans. Confronters are ready to give you a swift kick when you aren’t living up to what you said you would do.

I try to check my relationships at least twice a year. It’s not about keeping score, more about being sure that my friends and I are getting what we need from each other. Like any garden, sometimes my friendship garden needs a bit of weeding.

Some relationships have withered due to inattention. Do I want to revive them or is it time to let them go? Some have become one-sided. Do I need to give more to this person or do I need to ask for what I need? Am I willing to have the frank, difficult conversation that might lead to change? Am I willing to accept that the relationship will never change and perhaps should go?

It’s always sad to lose a friendship. But, then, perhaps there was really nothing there anyhow. Perhaps the effort is – for one or both of us- more than we can handle right now. The core question becomes whether the cost of letting go is greater than the cost of hanging on.

Weeding is good. It leaves space for solid relationships to flourish. It leaves room for something new.

How is your garden growing?

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Posted in choices, personal growth, Relationships

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