Stuff and How to Deal With It

Posted on July 9, 2018 by | Leave a comment

Stuff 

I have stuff. I love my stuff. I admit to accumulating stuff.

OK. A moment of reality. I’m pretty sure that someday I’m going to die. And you probably will too. No, not now. Eventually. So there will be stuff in my apartment and odds are the cats won’t sort through it. I think about this every so often.

When I had my hip replaced some years ago, I spent a little time reflecting on my life (couldn’t do much else for a week or two) and I realized that I probably was  no longer interested in putting up a Christmas tree and that the entire top shelf of one closet was devoted to Christmas tree ornaments and festive decorations. Hmm. When my cousin, who had two young sons, came to visit, I offered her anything and everything she wanted from this collection with a few exceptions. We spent a wonderful afternoon telling stories about the decorations, especially the ones I’d bought with her mother. She went home with two huge bins of ornaments and I gained an entire shelf in my closet. We were both very happy.

In contrast, another cousin and I were not so happy clearing out her parents’ home. They were not exactly hoarders, but they did keep a lot of stuff. Like back issues of magazines. And clothes. We were heartbroken to discover that vintage clothes and other potentially sellable items had been destroyed by an oil leak. And not too excited to throw out years of food and craft magazines along with a few projects her father never got around to completing – a Datsun rusting on the lawn and a partially restored organ. Similarly, a friend spent a month clearing out her sister’s apartment.

So what does this mean for me?

George Carlin said something about your stuff being someone else’s trash (cleaned it up a tad). No, your kids probably don’t want your Hitchcock chairs or the family silver or even your favorite china figurines. It’s simply not their taste. Ask. Confirm. Get over it.

Planning and Disposing – A short List

Make a will and a plan

  1. Please. Even if you think you don’t need one. And name an executor. It’s impossible to sell your car or deal with bank accounts if there isn’t an executor. Yes, you’re going to live to 110, but you’ll be too busy doing the tango to want to be bothered with this stuff. Make a plan now. Here are some ideas to get you started.
  2. Give things that you don’t use away now. I had my great grandmother’s gold watch. It was beautiful. I wore it maybe a half a dozen times over twenty years ago. I gave it to a cousin who also may never wear it but will appreciate it and pass it on to her daughter. I gave a niece my grandmother’s diamond ring and she turned it into a lovely pendant. I also gave her some antique coral beads because she enjoys chunky necklaces.
  3. Ask people what they might want of the things you’re ready to pass on. Send pictures before sending stuff. That saved me the trouble of sending my niece some lovely china plates that she didn’t like or lugging a bronze tea towel rack out to my cousin. It also gave me the satisfaction of seeing my great aunt’s inkwell every time I visit my cousin. Or knowing that another cousin has the family bible. I also got to sell some unloved gold jewelry with no regrets.
  4. Get rid of as much paper as possible. No one wants those articles you so painstakingly Xeroxed in college. Or old term papers, course outlines, work-related materials that are outdated. Or newspapers. Everything in those old recipe magazines that you really will cook can be found online or can be scanned into a file. This does NOT mean throwing away treasured old letters or cards. Store them neatly.
  5. Transfer everything you can to the Cloud. Set these files up as private. This makes it easy to share photos with the whole family but not the whole world. Get your old tapes converted to DVDs.
  6. Give away, donate, sell or throw away a lot of old books. I recently got rid of four shopping carts worth of books. Some I gave away to senior centers and shelters. Most neither thrift shops nor the library wanted. All my thirty year old research books and training books went into the trash.
  7. Label things. Never, never, never use indelible markers if you expect things to have a resale value. Instead, get a package or two of those round stickers and put them underneath or on the back of items. You get to enjoy your possessions now and someday someone will thank you for making it clear what goes to someone and what gets trashed.
  8. I love this option if you have a close family. It was the plot of a book I read decades ago. Leave instructions for everyone to come to your place (if you’re really nice, pre-arrange a little nosh) and have everyone given those dots I mentioned above. Each person gets to put their own color on items they want. If more than one person wants something, they work it out. In the book, they told stories about their memories related to the object. No fights, lots of bonding.

When?

This is a good thing to do when you’re bored. Or it’s raining. Or snowing. Work on this little by little. You’ll be glad you won’t have to think about his when you’re off having fun. And your family and friends will be delighted.

 

 

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Strawberries

Posted on March 15, 2016 by | 1 comment

Garden Hopes

When I was a very little girl, my father planted a garden in our back yard. Of everything that was planted, I only remember two things. The zucchini, as they will do, took over the world. They grew to immense proportions – some so large that my tiny mother, all of 4’9″, could barely hold them. And the strawberries. And therein lies a tale.

strawberries

My father wanted strawberries desperately. He watered. He pulled weeds. He hoed the soil. He talked strawberries. He dreamed strawberries. No strawberries. Year two, he added fertilizer to his routine. No strawberries. Year three, he gave up. He did nothing. And the strawberries grew in great abundance.

Acting and Waiting

Why is this important? This morning I was thinking about all the time I  – and probably many of us – spend acting, acting, acting. Some days I feel that if I haven’t been a whirlwind of activity I have been lazy and unproductive. I work myself into a frenzy without a moment of reflection. And then, like my father, I am disappointed that I’m not seeing results. I must have done it wrong. There must be something wrong with me. Everybody else has a bumper crop; my fields lie fallow. It is then that I remember those strawberries. Sometimes, the most important thing to do is nothing. Have faith. Expect good outcomes. Give it a little time.

Results

When I pause, reflect, and rejoice in the good things around me, I see my life and my business differently. I sometimes make a list of all the good things that have happened. I sometimes take a moment to recall pleasant surprises.

I trust that good things will continue to appear. I don’t stop working and experimenting and moving forward. But I do it in a calmer manner, knowing that even baby steps get me closer to my goals. Knowing that letting projects and connections ripen is part of the work. I recall a line from John Milton:

They also serve who only stand and wait.

That not only restores a sense of balance but also reminds me of all the great work accomplished by those who knew how to wait. How mindfulness and reflection are integral parts of forward motion. And maybe ignoring the strawberries is too.

 

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Time To Review Your Support Network

Posted on December 11, 2015 by | Leave a comment

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Year-End Wrap-Up

Like many managers, I spent much of December wrapping up projects and getting organized for the new year. I reviewed everyone’s performance. I checked project deadlines. I made sure that every available dollar in the budget was well invested before it disappeared. I updated files. I uncluttered my in box. Until I became a coach, though, I didn’t spend anywhere near as much time reviewing my personal lists. Since then, I recommend that my clients complete the same personal year-end wrap-up that I do myself.

Making a List and Checking it Twice

The year-end review actually consists of not one, but three lists. The first isaccomplishments. It’s all too easy to lose sight of what you’ve been able to accomplish in the course of a year. Often, we more easily remember the lows than the highs. The second is goals. What do you hope to accomplish during the next year? I’ll save these two lists for another time. Right now, let’s focus on the list that I find my clients most often overlook: your support network.

Over time, relationships within and outside of the workplace change. People move on, new people come into our lives, roles change, relationships become something else. Yet, often someone will create a support network list (chart, really) and never look at it again. Twice every year there are public service messages everywhere reminding people to change their smoke alarm batteries to be sure they will be at the ready when we need them. Think of this as checking the batteries on your emotional support system so it will be fully functional at all times.

Your Support Network

If you’ve never created a support network this is how it works. The support network consists of four quadrants, each containing a list of names. Each quadrant serves a specific function so that you can identify supporters in each significant area. As far as possible, each name should appear in only one quadrant; never more than two.

The Quadrants

Cheerleader: These people  support you unconditionally. No matter how small the achievement, they are applauding. They’ll cheer when you finish a project or get a promotion. They’ll also cheer when you get your shoes on the right foot. They never criticize; they never make suggestions. That’s someone else’s role.

Comforter: These people are there for you when you’re feeling down. They show up with tissues, chocolate, weepy movies, wine – whatever you need. They will listen to the same story for hours, never saying anything more than there, there or appropriate sympathetic comments. They agree with everything you say. If you say that your boss is terrible, they tell you they’ve always felt that way. If, five minutes later, you say this is the best boss you ever had, they agree. They wrap you up in literal or figurative quilts until the crisis passes.

Confronters: These are the people who keep you accountable. If you tell them that you want to do something, they’ll keep reminding you, gently or firmly, of what you need to do. They may also help you create a plan or break a task down into manageable chunks. Then they’ll keep after you until the task is done.

Critics: It took me a while to recognize the value of these people in my support network. These are the people who stop you from making avoidable mistakes public. Think of them as copy editors for your life – and they’ll edit your writing as well. Sometimes, I don’t want to hear what these people have to say. And I can’t count how many times they’ve saved me from disaster.

The Audit

December, as part of your year-end wrap-up is a great time to review your support network lists. Have you overused certain individuals? Maybe you want to move them to back-up status. Have some of the people on the list become unavailable? Proved to be unreliable? Replace them! Are there new people in your life who belong on your lists? Add them. Make a second quadrant. What roles do you fulfill for other people? Be sure that you know how you’re giving back or paying it forward. Add and subtract to this list as well. And renew your commitment to the new lists.

Why?

We all need support and we all need to support others. Performing this audit twice a year renews you and renews your relationships. Try it. I’m pretty sure you’ll be as glad as I was once you do.

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Summer Changes, Summer Chances

Posted on June 24, 2015 by | Leave a comment

After a long, cold winter, I feel a bit like I’m coming out of hibernation. It’s time to get moving and doing. A friend is leaving New York City in August and has a bucket list of New York memories she wants to create before she goes. As I looked at her list, it got me thinking about what I wanted for myself this summer.And what chances I wanted to take.

I have my own agenda of places to go and people to see and kicked off the celebration of warmth and light with a conference in Orlando that felt like a family reunion.

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Since we were staying in a Disney hotel, we had a number of interesting guest appearances. I used a free morning to pop over to Universal to commune with the folks at Hogsworth. Had a great time and can now check that off my list. My advice: walk around, admire everything, stay off the rides! (I spent most of the time with my eyes closed, praying that my glasses wouldn’t fly off.)

At the conference, I focused on renewing and strengthening friendships – less content, more collaboration – and fun.

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We’re moving forward with some wonderful collaborations this year and will be connecting virtually until we are together again next May.

The Clearwater Festival was another opportunity for celebration and reunions. In the face of so many sad and terrible examples of hatred in the world, the message on Pete Seeger’s banjo – “This machine surrounds hate and forces it to surrender” – rang loud and clear in the faces and voices gathered on a peaceful weekend. Saturday was a flashback to Woodstock 1 for some of us – music despite torrential rain. Sunday was sunny and delightful, a time for deep conversations and planning along the bank of the Hudson.

My promise to myself for this summer is to have an adventure a week, large or small. I will stretch my muscles and my mind. I wi explore my city and myself, renew old friendships and create new ones, write, learn, laugh and dance like no one is watching.

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Both Sides Now (Of Your Brain, That Is)

Posted on January 19, 2015 by | Leave a comment

Many of us enter a new year with all kinds of energy and all sorts of plans for personal development, improvement, expansion, change. By the time February looms, many of us have forgotten those plans.

My approach to resolutions and plans, most of the time, has been more logical and analytic that creative and intuitive. I’ve made lists and plans and this year even experimented with (uhg!) spread sheets. I’ve concluded already that another approach is called for. Logic and creativity. I’m revisiting my overarching vision for this phase of my life and revising my vision statement, then taking it a step further and painting it. I’m not creating a vision board, although I may do that for my goals. I’m creating something completely abstract.

I expect this to help my creative side kick in as I move forward. I also expect my painting to help me create richer, more meaningful goals. Then I’ll switch to logic – subgoals, action steps, potential obstacles and steps to eliminate those obstacles. At that point, those spreadsheets will take on more meaning.

This will be a shared experiment. Karen Friedland and I are using this technique in a workshop in February. It’s on the events page here. Our next step will be to repeat this in a virtual environment, so if you want to come play with us and can’t make it to Brooklyn, stay tuned for updates – both about how the experiment is progressing and how you can join.

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Writer’s Block and Sunny Sundays

Posted on April 14, 2013 by | 5 comments

I now have 41 interviews completed for my book. Each is wonderful and inspiring. But the book? Well, that’s another story. It’s hiding and laughing at me. Each interview tells a wonderful story. I know that they all fit together in some incredible way. I know that there are messages here just waiting to be shared with the world. This particular Sunday, though, I just don’t know how.

And I’m feeling the pressure to have answers. And content. Immediately.

The sun is shining. I want to turn off my computer and go out to play. I tell myself that if I can just write for an hour or so I can go out. But wait – the house needs cleaning. Clothes need to get put away. Files need organizing. It’s time to rotate winter clothes away. There’s dust!

I wish I hadn’t had that second cup of coffee. My hands are shaking. Caffeine or fear? Both? It’s cold out. Sitting by the Bay is really not an option. But it still might be nice.

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I know that if I can still my rambling mind, inspiration will come. How to get there, though? I think about V–, who has written many books, or the prolific S–. did they have Blocked Sundays? What did they do?

I come back to the two cards I pulled this morning. One was Consciousness. The message was that today I have the blessing of emptiness and that I ought not be trying so hard to fill it with clutter. The other was Sarasvati, Godess of Creativity. She urges me to dance. so, perhaps, with the 11 already-transcribed interviews as my companions, I shall head out into the Sunday sunshine. I will find a spot out of the direct sunlight (sorry iPad, but you do have some shortcomings) and some herbal tea.

I will hold fast to the notion that being blocked simply means that the ideas are mulling around in my head, not yet ready to be born, but nonetheless powerfully present. I will come back refreshed. And if inspiration strikes while I’m out, well, there’s always the wonderful voice feature.

I remember a friend whose pregnancy seemed to last forever. That baby just wasn’t ready to face the world until she was ready. At 40 – yes, she did finally emerge – she’s a pretty incredible woman. My cousin’s son, less than a year ago, was in no hurry either. And he’s already gorgeous and unstoppable. My book, too, will emerge when it’s ready. And it, too, will be unstoppable and incredible.

Off to the Bay.

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Spring Hopes and Dreams

Posted on March 25, 2013 by | Leave a comment

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.

I’ve always compressed this quote from T.S. Eliot’s The Wasteland, jumping from April’s cruelty to mixing memory and desire. There’s something of that to Spring. There are faint stirrings and vague thoughts of things left undone mixed in with the hopefulness of crocuses and lilacs and daffodils.

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April seems a time of hope and new beginnings. Both Easter and Passover contain that element of being saved. And if you are saved from something, shouldn’t you be going on to do great things? Or at least to feeling happy and fulfilled? Taxes aren’t the only inventory April brings. Do you have memories of paths not taken? Desires yet to be fulfilled?

April is a good time to let go of regrets. For years, I worried about missed opportunities and paths not taken. I mourned them. I saw them as indications that I was somehow unworthy. As I’ve been interviewing women over fifty, though, I’ve seen another side to this. What did I gain by losing something? How did my life change for the better because I didn’t take that job or move to that city or stay put for the sake of a pension? There’s a quote in my office:

Say no to good to make room for the great.

My Spring inventory this year is different. What was the “great”? I’ve spoken to thirty-four women so far as part of my book project, 50 Over 50. Many of them walked away from high-powered careers. Something else was calling them. Some found space to be themselves. Some found peace. Some found opportunities to serve. All found meaning. And joy.

So, back to Eliot. And the lilacs. It’s time to remember the lilacs. How have you created lilacs out of the dead land?

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Are You Open to Synchronicity?

Posted on March 15, 2013 by | Leave a comment

I had an interview for 50 Over 50 with the always-interesting author and consultant Shoya Zichy this morning and she reminded me of the importance of synchronicity in creating an interesting life.

The following comes from Wickipedia’s discussion of synchronicity:

One of Jung’s favourite quotes on synchronicity was from Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll, in which the White Queen says to Alice: “It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards”.[12][13]
‘The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday–but never jam to-day.’
‘It MUST come sometimes to “jam to-day,”‘ Alice objected.
‘No, it can’t,’ said the Queen. ‘It’s jam every OTHER day: to-day isn’t any OTHER day, you know.’
‘I don’t understand you,’ said Alice. ‘It’s dreadfully confusing!’
‘That’s the effect of living backwards,’ the Queen said kindly: ‘it always makes one a little giddy at first–‘
‘Living backwards!’ Alice repeated in great astonishment. ‘I never heard of such a thing!’
‘–but there’s one great advantage in it, that one’s memory works both ways.’
‘I’m sure MINE only works one way,’ Alice remarked. ‘I can’t remember things before they happen.’
‘It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,’ the Queen remarked.

What does this have to do with synchronicity? For me, synchronicity is all about being open to all kinds of things. It’s about looking at the world a little differently. It’s about expecting good things to happen – a parking space opening up, meeting someone who leads you to your next job or life partner or passion.

How many ways can you put the details of your life together in a different pattern? How many different groupings are there for your talents? Are you looking for new experiences? Open doors to walk through?

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Speaking to so many women who have been open to possibilities has been a joy. Helping others along this path is my passion.

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Why Not?

Posted on March 14, 2013 by | Leave a comment

As I begin to review the 34 interviews I’ve completed for my book, 50 over 50, I’m seeing what these incredible women have in common. All of them are willing to try new things. They are curious. They enjoy a good adventure.

And they know how to recover from setbacks. One woman had a terrible attempt to summit Mt. Kilimanjaro for her 40th birthday. So she tried again at 50 – and succeeded. Several others were forced out of jobs, only to find something better.

But what struck me about all of them is that, when presented with new possibilities, they all said, “Why not?” As one woman put it, “if I see an open door and it looks reasonable, I walk through it.”

What do you do when presented with a new option? It’s so easy to over-think the situation. It’s so easy to find myriad reasons to not do something. It’s so easy to come up with dozens of reasons to postpone a decision or convince yourself it will never work. Why not?

Saying “why not?” doesn’t have to be as big a challenge as climbing a mountain. One woman who spent many years doing data entry decided to return to work after a lengthy absence. She saw an opening for a home health aide. She had cared for her mother, but had no paid experience in home care. That didn’t stop her. She said, “why not?” and never looked back. She loves her new career and her clients adore her.

Another women decided she needed to step back and enjoy life more. She said “why not?” to the opportunity to move to Florida and live on her boat. She now has a captain’s license and just might open a sailing school.

A third said “why not?” when her husband suggested that their life would be enriched by owning a few alpaca. She’s now one of the top breeders in the country and is starting to sell alpaca products as well.

Why? is a good question too. I’ll save that for another day. For now, start with “why not?” Say it with a little shrug. Envision yourself having already made the choice to try whatever it is.

Why not?

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Don’t Give Up Thankfulness

Posted on March 11, 2013 by | Leave a comment

I was sitting in Marble Collegiate Church yesterday listening to the pastor speak about things we should not give up for Lent. Loving others was at the top of his list, followed by thankfulness. Don’t give up thankfulness, he said.

This is not a new message. Many of us keep gratitude journals. One friend writes daily thank you notes to the Universe.

I wonder, though, if this doesn’t become pro forma after a while. Oh yes, we think, I need to get an entry into my gratitude journal. I need to write my note. I need to say thank you. OK – one more thing checked off of my list for the day.

What if we practiced mindful gratitude every day? What if we reflected on all the gifts we have been given and focused on the one that has a special significance in this moment, on this day.

I close my eyes after I make my journal entry and bask in the wonder of each day’s gift. Some days, it’s easy – one thing jumps out at me – a special moment or a kindness or the first crocus. Sometimes it takes a lot of searching to find anything at all. Sometimes there seem to be so many things that it’s hard to single out just one. Reflection helps. Sitting with an idea, a vision, some new thing, brings clarity.

I used to make gratitude lists. Now I focus on that one important thing. I relish the good feelings that one thing brings. I close my journal with a smile.

Don’t give up on thankfulness. It just keeps the good things coming.

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